“Wow, that girl has mad poop analysis skills!” OK. So, I’ve never
actually heard anyone say that. However, the ability to analyze and evaluate a pile of manure in order to identify and disseminate a variety of issues surrounding the health and wellness of our equine friends is a pretty impressive skill.
While it won’t be an appreciated addition to your professional portfolio, nor will it help you get into an ivy-league school, knowing the ins and outs of horse poo is an important if not honorable skill worthy of far more attention than we afford it. I would dare say we should go so far as offering manure observation and analysis credentialing or at least certification programs but perhaps that would tip the scale used to evaluate the degree of insanity I’ve incurred from my horsey life from “mostly normal if not a bit eccentric” to “one of those certifiably crazy horse people.” I’m not sure I’m ready to go there. However, if you
are interested in starting a credentialing program please send me an email with
your ideas. (OK. Seriously, don’t. It’s a joke).
Each equine fecal aficionado has her own way of going about the actual observation and analysis. Here are a few observational techniques with which I am familiar:
· The squat and hover method -- bend at the knees and gaze down at a fresh pile of
horse poo. Depending on the angle at which you hold your upper body and the
degree to which you wrinkle your nose you can also discreetly control the amount of
fecal aroma to which you are exposed.
· The hands-on-hips-bend-at-the-waist method -- this method is most commonly used
in conjunction with holding your breath. However, the act of breath-holding tends to
limit the amount of time the poo evaluator has to analyze the pile as the evaluator
inevitably must straighten and take a breath therefore making it painfully obvious
that she perhaps does not “love” the smell of horse poop, something many horse
people believe is a requirement to truly be a member of the elite class of “horse
lovers.”
· The stoop and scoop method – my personal favorite. This allows the poo analyzer to
bring the manure closer to her eyes with the aid of a shovel or manure fork. The use
of the shovel or fork has the added bonus of moving the selected specimen into
better light while protecting the poo from accidental flattening or scattering by horse
hooves. This method also allows the creative poo evaluator to secretly hold her
breath as she can move the shovel away from her nose to take a fresh breath by
pretending she is doing so in order to share some important piece of information.
This should not be attempted by an amateur as if you fail to gracefully and
seamlessly move from observation to conversation you will surely be detected and
consequently risk abject humiliation at the hands of the self-described elite class of
“true” horse lovers.
· Finally, the seldom seen (because, let’s face it, it’s just too gross) -- bare-handed touch,
squeeze and analyze method. No explanation is needed or desired. Apologies to
those readers with vibrant imaginations.
To our non-horsey friends the very idea of simply scooping poop for cleaning purposes brings about wrinkled-up noses, horrified looks and assorted gasps or other vocalizations from which we infer general disgust and disapproval. For this reason, few
horse people will discuss poop outside their group of horsey friends. However, within our closely-knit circle of horse-related camaraderie, discussions of manure texture, consistency, frequency, color and content are considered quite normal if not completely necessary.
Using her own tried and true method of observation and analysis the poop-savvy horse owner can determine a great deal from a fresh, steaming pile of…well, you know. Is
your beloved four-hooved friend getting enough water? Consuming inordinate amounts of sand? Infested with parasites? Getting too much spring grass? Each pile is a potential encyclopedia of information.
The very appearance of a poo pile where once there was none can be cause for celebration! Who among us hasn’t been relieved to count multiple piles of poo in the
stall of a horse which had been acting “colicky” the night before? There is no shame in admitting that you, as a panicked horse owner, have congratulated your horse for presenting a pile of manure when the dreaded impaction colic was feared? I dare
say many of us have gone so far as to gently (though not seriously) reprimand a
horse for failing to poo in a timely manner.
There is much more we can learn from horse poo if you are so inclined to study it.
However, I shall end our discussion here as I fear I may have gone too
far already. Just know that it is
OK and that you are not alone. We
all look at our horse’s poo with a seemingly unnatural degree of interest; it’s
just one of those things horse people do.
actually heard anyone say that. However, the ability to analyze and evaluate a pile of manure in order to identify and disseminate a variety of issues surrounding the health and wellness of our equine friends is a pretty impressive skill.
While it won’t be an appreciated addition to your professional portfolio, nor will it help you get into an ivy-league school, knowing the ins and outs of horse poo is an important if not honorable skill worthy of far more attention than we afford it. I would dare say we should go so far as offering manure observation and analysis credentialing or at least certification programs but perhaps that would tip the scale used to evaluate the degree of insanity I’ve incurred from my horsey life from “mostly normal if not a bit eccentric” to “one of those certifiably crazy horse people.” I’m not sure I’m ready to go there. However, if you
are interested in starting a credentialing program please send me an email with
your ideas. (OK. Seriously, don’t. It’s a joke).
Each equine fecal aficionado has her own way of going about the actual observation and analysis. Here are a few observational techniques with which I am familiar:
· The squat and hover method -- bend at the knees and gaze down at a fresh pile of
horse poo. Depending on the angle at which you hold your upper body and the
degree to which you wrinkle your nose you can also discreetly control the amount of
fecal aroma to which you are exposed.
· The hands-on-hips-bend-at-the-waist method -- this method is most commonly used
in conjunction with holding your breath. However, the act of breath-holding tends to
limit the amount of time the poo evaluator has to analyze the pile as the evaluator
inevitably must straighten and take a breath therefore making it painfully obvious
that she perhaps does not “love” the smell of horse poop, something many horse
people believe is a requirement to truly be a member of the elite class of “horse
lovers.”
· The stoop and scoop method – my personal favorite. This allows the poo analyzer to
bring the manure closer to her eyes with the aid of a shovel or manure fork. The use
of the shovel or fork has the added bonus of moving the selected specimen into
better light while protecting the poo from accidental flattening or scattering by horse
hooves. This method also allows the creative poo evaluator to secretly hold her
breath as she can move the shovel away from her nose to take a fresh breath by
pretending she is doing so in order to share some important piece of information.
This should not be attempted by an amateur as if you fail to gracefully and
seamlessly move from observation to conversation you will surely be detected and
consequently risk abject humiliation at the hands of the self-described elite class of
“true” horse lovers.
· Finally, the seldom seen (because, let’s face it, it’s just too gross) -- bare-handed touch,
squeeze and analyze method. No explanation is needed or desired. Apologies to
those readers with vibrant imaginations.
To our non-horsey friends the very idea of simply scooping poop for cleaning purposes brings about wrinkled-up noses, horrified looks and assorted gasps or other vocalizations from which we infer general disgust and disapproval. For this reason, few
horse people will discuss poop outside their group of horsey friends. However, within our closely-knit circle of horse-related camaraderie, discussions of manure texture, consistency, frequency, color and content are considered quite normal if not completely necessary.
Using her own tried and true method of observation and analysis the poop-savvy horse owner can determine a great deal from a fresh, steaming pile of…well, you know. Is
your beloved four-hooved friend getting enough water? Consuming inordinate amounts of sand? Infested with parasites? Getting too much spring grass? Each pile is a potential encyclopedia of information.
The very appearance of a poo pile where once there was none can be cause for celebration! Who among us hasn’t been relieved to count multiple piles of poo in the
stall of a horse which had been acting “colicky” the night before? There is no shame in admitting that you, as a panicked horse owner, have congratulated your horse for presenting a pile of manure when the dreaded impaction colic was feared? I dare
say many of us have gone so far as to gently (though not seriously) reprimand a
horse for failing to poo in a timely manner.
There is much more we can learn from horse poo if you are so inclined to study it.
However, I shall end our discussion here as I fear I may have gone too
far already. Just know that it is
OK and that you are not alone. We
all look at our horse’s poo with a seemingly unnatural degree of interest; it’s
just one of those things horse people do.